BACK FROM SAFARI, BUT ONLY FOR A FEW DAYS, MY DARLINGS!

I had to cut my safari with Count Babalollapaloozo short to come back and wet-nurse Beth while she finishes writing the last third of the last FREAKING chapter of our new book, THE SCOUTMASTER’S WIFE. Here I thought I could leave town and not worry about her because she’s in the throes of the highest-of-high-suspense-thriller chapters–THE FINAL FREAKING CHAPTER, and everyone who is anyone knows I write all the funny stuff. I thought I had at least a week or two off.

But NOOOOOO. She called me last night JUST as the Count and I were sitting down for our evening Blue Hawaiians, beautiful, shimmering, icy turquoise cocktails prepared by his favorite chef, Enrico Carusovitch XIV (I think that means fourteenth), who had already begun to prepare broiled lobster tails with clarified butter and flourless chocolate cake for our dinner.

BUMMER! I only got peanuts on the plane on the way home and it was a red-eye flight on top of everything else. I’m telling you, life is a bitch sometimes. And most often here lately, its name is Beth.

She begged me–BEGGED me, I tell you!–to come home now, RIGHT now! because she was having a nervous breakdown or something stupid like that over our last chapter and she needed ME to stand behind her every second she’s at her FREAKING computer chopping away at what USED TO BE a good keyboard. She’s been at it so long and so hard you can barely read the letters and numbers now, which is a tremendous inconvenience to me because I, of course, look at the keys when I’m typing. A speed-typist I’m not.

So not ONLY do I have to stand behind her, she’s having fake ulcer attacks and I have to run and get these little blue pills for her every couple of hours or so, which she’s not fooling ME any, are probably something highly illegal, although she denies it. I would have said she denies it vociferously, except that ends in an ‘ly’ and she’d probably put me in reform school or have me shot at sunrise or something for THAT world-shaking no-no. Just ask her ever-patient crit partners, those poor little things, who want to kill her every time she opens her mouth about words which end with ‘ly’, which she does every chance she gets. How obnoxious is that!

Anyhow. I’m here, good-hearted, faithful little soul that I am, standing by Beth while she slowly evaporates into a puddle of molten angst directly underneath her computer chair. Be warned, if this book somehow winds up funny at the end, you’ll know what happened.

And THEN, she tells me, the really HARD part begins. Finding an agent.

I can hardly wait.

Ta Ta for now, my pets. Whatever else happens, we are, one way or the other, about to FINALLY finish this FREAKING book.

Love, Hotclue, who doesn’t ask for much, just a million-dollar yacht anchored off the coast of France, staffed with hot-and-cold-running Elloras Cave guys, plenty of champagne, and (list to be continued later, Beth’s calling me AGAIN…)

BWAHAHAHA! I FINALLY KNOW WHODUNIT!

I really had to fight to get it, too, because *unless* Beth’s under a tight deadline, in which case she works like a mad dog pawing its way into a loaded chicken yard, she’s the world’s biggest procrastinator. Just listen to what happened yesterday, when I finally forced her to spill the beans on paper, so to speak.

She comes into our writing room, where I’m sitting and patiently leafing through an L.L. Bean catalog in search of a safari outfit because Count Baballalapaloozo has promised to take me on safari next week. She sits down at her computer and heaves this huge, dramatic sigh.

Beth: “I don’t feel like writing today.”

Me: “Why not? Don’t you want to finish this book and Get The Damn Thing Out There?”

Beth: “Well…yes. But I really don’t feel like it today.”

Me: You didn’t answer my main question. Why not?”

Beth: “Well, (Please notice that everytime she’s procrastinating she uses “well” a lot. Which is why editors don’t want authors to use ‘well’, it makes the person sound too indecisive. Even I know that.) the thing is, Hots, it’s got to be a highly emotional scene because this is where Raven learns who the killer is and she knows Jack won’t believe her.”

Me: “So? Get emotional!”

Beth: “But I don’t *feel* emotional right now.”

Right about then, she actually opens her document. Big step when she doesn’t feel like writing, right? THEN she immediately minimizes it and clicks on the email icon.

Me: “WHAT are you DOING?”

Beth: “Uh…checking to see if anything important is there.”

Me: “Beth, is ANYTHING in your email EVER really important?”

Beth, peering at the screen while email loads: “Well (There she goes again, ‘well’. Told ya!) there might be. This time. Maybe.”

She scans her email. Deletes three definite spams, stares at a ‘might be spam’, takes a chance, clicks on it, sure enough it’s spam, she says “Damn!” and deletes it fast, but not fast enough because it might have planted something nefarious on her computer. Which looks to be about as close to nefarious as anything we’re going to see today. She clicks on AdAware and I sit there tapping my toes for five minutes while she deletes everything it comes up with.

(I’m still pretty patient at this point.)

Me: “So are you ready to write yet?”

Beth: “Uh, yeah, soon as I do a couple of things.” Those couple of things consist of reading the N.Y. Times, cursing because they charge for her favorite columnists, clicking to check her bank balance, which is exactly the same as it was at 7 a.m. this morning, clicking to check her website stats, THEN clicking on Yahoo Games.

I jump down from the big cabinet where she keeps her doll collection. Even the dolls are getting disgusted at this point. I stand behind her.

Me: “Turbo Solitaire is going to get you a contract for The Scoutmaster’s Wife?”

Beth: “Just one game, okay?”

Me: “You always say that, then after three games you say, ‘I’m only playing till I win one.’ And you never win! Beth, get off that thing and open your document!”

(You can see she’s getting me very upset, I’m beginning to use exclamation points.)

She sighs again and gets out of Turbo Solitaire, re-opens her document, goes to the end.

I’m thinking, she’s gonna write it. FINALLY!!

She starts scrolling up, up, up…UP?

Me: “WHAT are you doing NOW?”

Beth: “Well…something I wrote yesterday might need editing.”

Me: “Nothing needs editing. Get on with it!!” (Notice she’s got me using two exclamation points now?)

Beth: “But it might.”

Me: “You KNOW you can do that later. GET THE DAMN SCENE DOWN!!!”

She knows I mean business. I just used three exclamation points. (Which you never use in real manuscripts, even I know that, but this is an emergency, right?)

She scrolls back down to where she left off the day before.

Sits staring at the screen.

Not moving a muscle.

I tap her on the shoulder.

And I take full credit for the scene that flew out of her fingers right after that because if I hadn’t tapped her, she’d still be sitting there looking at a blank screen.

She writes the entire scene almost without stopping for breath. When she finishes, her blood pressure is sky high and so is mine because OMIGOD, she finally put down IN HER MANUSCRIPT exactly who the killer is and REALLY racked Raven over the coals doing it!

Me: “Oh my God!”

Beth turns around, looks at me: “What do you mean, ‘Oh my God’?”

Me: “Oh my GOD!”

Beth: “What’s wrong NOW?”

Me: “OH MY GOD!”

Beth: “Hots, stop saying ‘Oh my God’! What’s the matter?”

Me: “How can you DO that to Jack? I thought you LOVED Jack!”

Beth: “I do love Jack. I adore him. He’s my all-time favorite male lead so far.”

Me: “But–OH MY GOD, look what you just DID to him!”

Beth turns around and gives me the most deliciously evil grin I’ve ever seen on a human being, one I never thought I’d see on her because normally she’s a total wuss: “Heh, heh, heh. That’s nothing compared to what’s going to happen to him in the next chapter. But don’t worry, that’ll be the end of the book.”

Me: “You’re serious? After you did THIS to him, there’s MORE?”

Beth: “There’s always more, Hots. Even you know that.”

Hugs till next time, my loves. Maybe we’ll even have a book by that time. But I’m not holding my breath.

Hotclue The Ever-Patient

Author Lonnie Cruse NOT Murdered in Metropolis

Today I’m being halfway serious for a change and interviewing Lonnie Cruse, author of MURDER IN METROPOLIS, MURDER BEYOND METROPOLIS and coming up, MARRIED IN METROPOLIS, due out sometime this spring. All three are part of the Sheriff Joe Dalton series, set in the small midwestern town of Metropolis, Illinois, and all published by Quiet Storm Publishing. She’s currently working on more of the Dalton series as well as another series she’s developing (glutton for punishment that she is). We already know it’s going to be wonderful.

Her website is http://www.lonniecruse.com/ and her blog, where she interviews a different author every week, is at http://lonniecruse.blogspot.com/ . That’s the reason I decided to ask her if she’d like to (or dare to) let ME interview HER for a change. Lonnie interviews everyone else in the universe, right? I thought it’d be a good thing to let her have her turn on the hot seat, so here we go!

Hotclue: There has to have been one defining moment, one exact point in time when you suddenly realized you were going to write a book. When was that moment for you? When you were small, or when you were growing up, or just recently? What made you realize this was what you wanted to do more than anything else you could think of?

Lonnie: Hehehe, you’re gonna love this one. I’d wanted to write a novel for eons, particularly when I was a young mom in my twenties. But no computer back then, and hand writing for very long periods is difficult for me as a lefty. AND I often can not read my own writing when it goes cold. I was under the impression ALL writers had journalistic backgrounds and the author police would nab me if I attempted to write without one. Then my kids grew up, I hit my mid-fifties, I read TWO books with HUGE plot holes that the editors for their very large, very important publishing houses didn’t catch, and I learned to use a computer. I figured, hey, I couldn’t do any worse than those authors, could I? Well, yes, I could, but ignorance is bliss, and I’m about as blissful as they come.

Hotclue: I do love it! But you’re not one bit ignorant and we’re all so glad you’re blissful! After you started trying to write that book and then discovered how hard it is, what made you continue on? Did someone inspire you, and if someone did, who was it and how did they inspire you? Did that same book turn out to be the first book you got published?

Lonnie: What made me continue writing that first book was that I believed so much in the story. I made up my mind I’d get it published even if I had to self-publish it. Did I mention ‘ignorant bliss’ yet? I’d have to say I was inspired by the many authors I’ve met on the Internet who publish with small publishers. They all admitted how tough it was to get recognition with small publishers and none of them thought in terms of “rich and famous.” They just wanted to get their stories out there and so did I. And yes, the first manuscript I wrote was the first book I published, done through a small publisher. But it had to go through a ton of revisions before it was even ready to submit.

Hotclue: That’s important to tell people, because so many people think no small publishers edit, but we know better, don’t we. Lonnie, your books so far have been set in the small town of Metropolis, Illinois. Do you envision ever setting a book in a major large US city, or even another country? If your answer is yes, what city or country would you like to start with? Would you want to visit there first, or do you feel confident you could do it with enough research?

Lonnie: Setting my books in Metropolis has been the key to my success thus far. While I do sell across the country and even in other countries, the local folks have supported me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I have started a new series and the first in that one is also set here, but with new characters. However, I’m branching out. The second book in the new series (I’m about five chapters in to it) is set in Pigeon Forge, TN. We’ve visited there several times, so I feel confident with the amount of research I did, even though I didn’t realize I was researching it at the time. I’d also love to set a book in Las Vegas, NV because I was born and raised there. But I’d either have to go back there and do TONS of research (because it’s changed so much over the years) or set it in Vegas in the 40’s and 50’s, which would be great fun to do. Vegas was a wonderful place to live then. We visited Jamaica in the early 90’s, teaching Bible in the back woods areas, VERY rural and poor. I’d like to set a book there some time.

Hotclue: Oh, I can’t wait to read a series set in Pigeon Forge! That should be great fun! Now, on a different note, do you envision ever writing a romantic suspense, with all the angst and emotional conflict and sizzling hot love scenes?

Lonnie: I have a zinger of a romance in my head. Will I ever put it on paper? Dunno. I’ve toyed with the idea. Let me just say it’s a positive maybe. Would I write hot love scenes? Nnnnoo. I can’t write and/or publish anything my Christian friends or grandkids can’t read without blushing. BUT I believe it’s very possible to lead the reader up to the bedroom door, gently close it in her face, and leave what’s going on behind that door to her imagination, and still make it “hot.” I think most people’s imaginations are far better left to their own devices. Besides, as an editor or a reader, I get reeeeaaallly bored with scenes that include graphic accounts of who touched who, where, when, how, and why.

Hotclue: I couldn’t agree with you more. Now, have you taken any of your characters’ personalities from your family or people you know in real life? Can you tell us who and what they were?

Lonnie: Yes, all of my characters are taken from people I’ve met in real life. That said, they are usually a mixture of traits, stirring in a little of this and that from several people. For instance, when I visualize my lead character, Sheriff Joe Dalton, I think of actor Brian Dennehy. I met him when he was in Paducah, KY making the movie River Rat with Tommie Lee Jones. (Our middle son, Craig, had a one line part in the movie.) Dennehy is a very nice guy. But the personality traits Dalton has are a mix of several men I know. Ditto for the females. A friend of mine read the first draft of the manuscript for the new series I’m beginning with a female lead. She swears it’s me. Maybe some, but a lot of other women are in that character as well.

Hotclue: Personally, I couldn’t imagine a nicer heroine than you. When I grow up I want to BE you! Who is your favorite character from your own books so far?

Lonnie: Hmmm, tough one. I enjoy writing Dalton, but his wife is even more fun to write. I enjoy writing Kitty Bloodworth for the new series. I think my most fun character so far was Leonard, a bratty five year old who helped Dalton solve the mystery in my second book of the Metropolis Mystery series, Murder Beyond Metropolis. And I’ve had a lot of readers tell me he was a fun character to read.

Hotclue: He definitely was fun and he was certainly real! Have your family and friends always reacted as you would have expected to the fact that you’re a published author, or have there been some big surprises? What were your biggest surprises?

Lonnie: Lonnie: For the most part they have been even more supportive than I’d hoped, which was the big surprise. I expected them to be supportive, but they went far beyond. I’ve heard more than one author say his/her family isn’t supportive. That would make writing VERY difficult for me if not nearly impossible. I think my sons are a bit shocked that mom is now a published author. But they seem to enjoy my books.

Hotclue: You’re a lucky lady to have all that support! What has so far been your absolute all-time favorite signing event so far?

Lonnie: Probably the first because so many people showed up and bought books. And the snacks were terrific. What to hear about the worst? Signing with another author at a Kroger store. They forgot we were coming. We had to use those plastic square milk boxes turned upside down for a table, decorated with a Christmas flower arrangement. Thankfully I always bring a tablecloth. I sold ONE book. And they didn’t pay me for it for months. Other than that, it was fine.

Hotclue: Good thing you have a sense of humor AND carry a tablecloth. Inquiring minds want to know: Is Lonnie your real name, or is it short for something else?

Lonnie: Sigh, it’s my real name. My mom and dad decided before I was born (which was waaaay before ultrasound technology) that they would name me Lonnie for my dad’s best friend, whether I was a boy or a girl. Since they used the male spelling, it has caused more than a few problems over the years, like when Uncle Sam tried to make me register for the draft. I did talk my way out of that one. I’m just thankful the friend’s name wasn’t Horace, or Oswald, or something like that. I considered using a pen name, but when I mentioned it to my publisher, he advised me to stay with my own because it’s distinctive. I’m sooo glad I did. Much easier to keep records, etc. And some days I have trouble remembering my own name, so I’d never be able to keep up with a made up one.

Hotclue: Just be glad they didn’t name you Hotclue. If you could have only One More Thing in your life than you have right now, what would it be?

Lonnie: Eeeek, only one? Then I’d have to say a trip to some really romantic place like Hawaii with my hubby. The only other thing would be to win an Edgar for one of my books. (Notice I did manage to put the selfish wish second?)

Hotclue: We did notice, and you probably will win an Edgar one of these days. Do you have any rituals you go through when you’re writing? What are they?

Lonnie: Check e-mail, work on my blog, play Spider Solitaire, look at my story board, check the laundry, have a snack, look at my story board again, sigh deeply, pick an index card with a story idea on it for the next chapter, start typing. Get excited about where the chapter is going, kick myself for messing around so much that morning when I could have been writing this chapter, finish the chapter, check the word count, wish it was much longer, read it over a couple of times and try to add words, decide it’s done because there isn’t room for one single more word, get excited, go have another snack, switch out the laundry, check e-mail again, quit for the day. I do keep pictures of the setting for my books on my story board for inspiration.

Hotclue: Sounds about like an average procrastinating–I mean, working–day for any good author. So do you watch the news or would you rather make up your own world?

Lonnie: I watch the news sometimes but not regularly. When I click into Yahoo to check mail, if there’s anything world shaking going on, it’s posted on the Yahoo site and I read it. I read the newspaper regularly and get a LOT of story ideas and research information from there. I like to create my own world, but I like to use real-world stuff in it.

Hotclue: It’s a good thing you don’t live in Chicago, you don’t EVEN want to watch our news on television. What’s your favorite television show?

Lonnie: Law & Order Criminal Intent and Closer. Plus anything on HGTV. Cops. I’ve kinda quit watching some of the forensic reality shows lately, because some of the really violent murders they solve tend to stay with me.

Hotclue: I’m always afraid to watch Cops; I might see myself in it. What has so far been your all-time favorite book written by someone else? Was it this book that helped inspire you to want to write?

Lonnie: I’d have to say We Have Always Lived In The Castle by Shirley Jackson. I read it last year, so I was already published. I love her writing, even though it usually has a dark twist at the end. I love Bill Crider’s Dan Rhodes series, he always inspires me to write. Ditto for Anne George’s wonderful Southern Sisters series. Too bad there won’t be any more of those.

Hotclue: Jackson’s book is one of my favorites too. You have several books in progress. Do you find it hard to concentrate when you have so many different people and plot events running around in your head?

Lonnie: Not really because I tend to focus on the one that’s working at the moment. If I hit a stall, I switch to the other. However, I just finished a manuscript last week, and it needs to “sit” before I try to do more to it, so I’ll go back to the one with five chapters and see where I am. I’m taking a few days off.

Hotclue: Hope you enjoy them, but I’m betting your book is on your mind the whole time, am I right? Is there anything else you’d like to say to your readers today?

Lonnie: Lonnie: Yes, thank you so much for this opportunity. I hope your readers will read my books. AND I hope they will read YOUR books because I love your writing as well! I wanted to learn to write in first person after reading your Night Sounds!

Beth: From your mouth to God’s ears. Thank you so much for dropping in on my blog and adding an air of some kind of legitimacy to my usual silly blatherings. It’s been a real pleasure learning more about you and I wish you all the good luck in the world with your current and future books. And hey, say YO! to everyone in Metropolis for me!

It’s All in Your Head

You know what’s fun? I started doing this recently whenever Beth goes to BBC News online to see what they say is going on in the US. Beth was perfectly content to read it as is, but since I have to read what she wants to read, I made her start reading it with a British accent. No no, not out loud, just internally, inside her own head. It’s great fun.

Try it if you’re not British. Everyone around you will wonder what you’re laughing at. Hey, you don’t have to tell them you’re laughing at yourself because you have such a crappy British accent, which only you can hear. They’ll leave you alone because they think you’re crazy. But you know better. You’re just having fun for a change while you read the news.

I was thinking this week. I already told you I do that , although it’s not always apparent. Anyhow, it seemed to me, while watching the Olympics, that a lot of what goes on there, the reactions of the athletes who win, is true in the writing world as well as in the sports world.

When you fall you get right back up and try again.

It’s kind of disheartening to see so many people who really, really want to have written a book fall by the wayside because they don’t want to go through all that trouble all over again so many times, but I’ve seen it a lot. Most people stop because it’s Just Too Hard and it Just Takes Up Too Much Time.

But that’s the big difference between novelists who succeed and noveliests who fail. Honest, it is. Having the confidence in yourself, even when you know you don’t know everything and are still learning, even when you’ve tried and tried again and it’s still wrong, to absolutely KNOW you CAN do it, that sooner or later you WILL succeed.

For a long time now I’ve known that if you think you can, you can. If you think you can’t, you can’t. That’s a cliche, yes, but it’s still true.

Whatever’s in your own head determines whether you’ll go where you want to go.

Love y’all madly, see you again in a few days,
Hotclue

Hotclue’s First Interview

I was sitting around sunning myself out on the deck today, chatting over the Internet with Beth, when a brainstorm hit me. It was probably sunstroke that caused it, but I decided to interview her just to see what she comes up with WITHOUT my help–for a change.

She finally agreed, as long as I said I’d also interview other authors every couple of weeks. (She hates to be greedy, don’tcha know.) But I have a secret reason and PLEASE don’t tell her. I’m hoping I can snooker into telling me who the killer is in her new book, which she’s calling THE SCOUTMASTER’S WIFE.

About that title. She’s had that title since I first thought up the book and without missing a beat SHE stole my whole idea! She loves the title because, she says, it’s a solid, no-nonsense mainstream book title. I bet her a whole box of Oreos her publisher (if she ever gets one) will make her change it. I hope I win. I adore Oreos. Anyhow, let’s get on with the interview:

Me: First Question, Beth. Who’s the killer? (Subtlety is a fine art form, don’t you think?)

Beth: I’m never going to tell you.

Me: You say that to EVERYONE! Your crit partners are about to kill you! Why won’t you tell even one person? Like me?

Beth: Because as long as I can convince myself while I’m writing that I don’t know who it is, when I write scenes with my two leads, neither of whom knows who the killer is yet, I don’t have to worry about even giving out even a hint of it. I’m so much into their heads when I’m writing that I’m as confused as they are. Although I did in several places without realizing it before I decided for sure who it was going to be. I was surprised when I read back over the first chapters to find I actually had done that.

Me: So you DO know who it is?

Beth, shrugging: Of course.

Me: You sound so..so..well, sure of yourself.

Beth: You really ARE funny. I’m the world’s most insecure human being.

Me: You are not!

Beth: Am so.

Me: Are not!

Beth: Sigh…

Me: How can you be insecure when you have ME around?

Beth: Because you don’t have to write query letters. That’s the business part, remember? I do that part, and I’m almost to the place where I have to write one.

Me: You’re afraid of a little old query letter? A one page letter? A piece of PAPER?

Beth. Petrified would be more accurate.

Me: Why?

Beth: Because I’ve had six books published and I’ve never had to write a query letter. I freeze up every time I even think of it. I did write one once, actually, and I screwed it up so badly I cringe every time I think of it.

I. Did. Every. Single. Thing. Wrong.

Me: Every? Single? Thing?

Beth. Every. Single. Thing. Please don’t make me repeat myself, Hots. It makes me sound senile.

Me: What could be so hard about it?

Beth: It’s just that the first thing agents read has to entice them to want to read the whole book. It’s the most important thing an author does, other than write a dynamite book.

Me: So did you at least do that?

Beth: Yes. But that’s just my opinion.

Me: But…

Beth: It’s the blurb. The one paragraph blurb. I have so much going on in this book that I can’t decide what to put in that paragraph and what to leave out.

Me: But you have a blurb on the first page of your website, where the books are listed. What’s wrong with that one?

Beth: I don’t know. I’m not entirely happy with it.

Me: HA! Remember, I told you to change it!

Beth. I know. I did change it. But not enough.

Me: I don’t know what I’m going to do with you!

Beth: I don’t blame you.

Me: I thought you were going to work on that this morning.

Beth: I played Turbo Solitare instead.

Me: Oh, THAT’s really professional of you!

Beth: Hots, does everything you say have to end with an exclamation mark?

Me: You’re procrastinating again. You’re doing it right now. Aha, I get it. You wanted to do this interview so you wouldn’t have to think about a query letter, right?

Beth: Probably.

Me: I might, just MIGHT, be able to help you. If you’ll listen, for once.

Beth: Shoot.

Me: Honk on over to: http://www.agentquery.com/symposium_pitcheditors.aspx . That’s Agent Query.com. They have a lot of info about some great agents, how they work, what they’re looking for, how to submit to them.

Then, go to Readers Room and check out a couple of things there: http://www.readersroom.com/blog , that’s Natalie Collins’ blog, Inside of a Dog, and that gal really knows what’s going on in publishing. This month it’s about writing a query letter and a whole lot more.

They also have: www.readersroom.com/jmkagent.html –that’s written by one of the new Folio Literary Agency’s owners, Jeff Kleinman, talking about the agency and what each of Folio’s agents is looking for.

If that’s not enough, at Writersmarket.com, several more top agents answer questions about the author/agent relationship: www.writersmarket.com/content/agents_secrets2.asp

Beth: You’re so smart, Hotclue. How’d you find all that?

Me: You want to know? You really, REALLY want to know?

Beth: Yes. Please.

Me: You’re absolutely, positively SURE you want to know?

Beth: Sigh. Yes. Pretty please.

Me: I’m never going to tell you.