http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZoJ5OKmEJY&feature=player_embedded

Hilarious, isn’t it!

Did you know Chris Grabenstein is also an improv comedian?  Not sure I could do it, although I get funny once in a while.  In front of an audience, though?  Well, yeah, I could do something in front of an audience, I’ve done it many times when giving talks at writers’ conferences.  But still…funny?  For fifteen, thirty, sixty minutes? 

Nah.  Wish I could, I’m sure it sells books.  I can talk that long easily.  I can even be friendly and interesting and sometimes funny.  But funny ALL the time?  Oh, Lord.  I can hear it now.  “Beep! Get out of the box!”

Then there’s the ubiquitous Rob Walker, who is everywhere every minute of every day, promoting his books.  Some people might not like that so much, but I’ve noticed that when he put his books up for sale on Amazon’s Kindle website just a month or so ago, they started immediately selling like hotcakes, a real coup for anyone.  Granted, he did it on the tail end of Joe Konrath’s incredible Kindle debut, but still, there are thousands of ebooks up there, more every day, and most of those people aren’t raking in over a grand in their first month there. 

How’d he do it?  Well, he’s everywhere every minute of every day promoting his books.  God love him, he never shuts up, but he does it with such good humor you can’t get mad at him.  And it’s not like he has a lot of time on his hands.  He’s an author, a fairly new husband, and a school teacher.  We all know what that means, papers to grade, classes to teach, parents to call, all that and more.  But you’d never know it if you watch for him online, because he’s…well, I already said it but I’ll say it again because if I don’t, he will.  He’s everywhere, every minute of every day, talking about his books. 

SO many authors flogging SO many books, it’s a wonder anyone ever sells any through all the noise.  But ya gotta do it.  Make the noise yourself because it’s pretty much a given nobody’s going to do it for you.

The trick, I think, is to promote your books online without always appearing to promote your books online.  I know very few authors who can carry this off successfully.  We have way too many of the ones (Rob excluded because he’s so loveable) who offend just about everybody because they’re SO in your face and they NEVER let up.  They sell books, though.  Can’t deny that.  I’m not sure how many.

I’ve always maintained the only way to really successfully sell a ton of books is for the books to be IN the stores to begin with.  I’m talking like thousands.  Many thousands.  You can push books at every small venue you can sign up for, and you’re still never going to wind up with big, big sales unless your books are IN the stores.  To begin with.  Of course, I’m talking about physical books here.  Looks to me though that e-books are going to catch up eventually in many ways, especially with the Kindle phenom going on.  Time will tell. 

Online promotion?  That’s fine, but too many of us forget there’s a whole world full of people who don’t go online and if they did, they don’t necessarily go most places where authors hang out.  It’s just not on their radar. 

I want them, too.

I’m plotting for when my next book comes out.  Right now I’m just on the Agent Chase, looking for the right agent for my new baby.  I’ll keep y’all posted on that. 

Meantime, it’s summer.  Keep cool.  And pray for the folks along our southern American shorelines who are having such a struggle.  And while you’re praying for them, don’t forget the defenseless animals out in that water.  Every time I see a shot of even one of them my heart cries.  

Come back and see me again soon.  I’ll be here, I promise.  And I’ll leave the porch light on for you.

Cheers, B.A.

But dammit all.  If a successful series has lasted for six books and there are more, wouldn’t you think they’d want more? Well, apparently not, so Joe decided not to get mad, but to get even. 

So Amazon is going to publish the rest of his series, Kindle ebooks first, then in print a few months later.  Evidently the contract is a very lucrative one for everybody concerned. 

What happened was that Joe recently discovered all by himself that the Kindle is a gold mine for experienced authors who are willing to sell their ebooks cheap.  A few other prolific (and experienced) authors have followed his example and are now reaping considerable benefits.

Note that I said experienced authors.

Problem is, most publishers who control the ebook rights don’t want to sell them cheap, citing high publishing expenses.  Joe says, and he has proved it over the past couple of months, that lower prices mean more sales.  Lots more sales.  WAY LOTS more sales. And he’s willing to put his money where his mouth is.

A big side issue here is being discussed in a lot of author blogs, though:  What about all the new authors who will head straight for Kindle publishing without bothering with the middle man–the agent/publisher route, or even the online ebooks route.

There are a lot of pros and cons here.  I’d like to add my two cents worth, having been involved in both traditional and e-pub worlds.

So I read the article today on HuffPo by Jason Pinter, a bestselling thriller writer, positing that now too many brand new authors will head for Kindle and ruin their talent by publishing before they’re really ready to publish without the benefit of a good editor. 

I know in my heart of hearts he’s going to make a lot of newbies mad by saying that, because all newbies (Jason and I both know this, having been newbies ourselves once) believe their first book is The One The Universe Has Been Waiting For, and Is Perfect Just As It Is, and they’re going to believe Jason is trying to keep their book from being published because he doesn’t want the competition.

I understand that attitude.  The reason I understand it is that I know how much you do have to believe in yourself to actually go the whole route and become a published author.  Anyone who believes in themselves that much is going to believe he or she actually IS competition for bestselling authors. I believed it myself before I got published and I still believe it today.  The day I stop believing it is the day I’ll quit writing for good.

But Jason has a point, and for those of you who read this who are still struggling for that first sale, I want to emphasize the reality of what he’s saying.  He’s simply saying, as some have repeated today all over the Internet, that Joe Konrath had the benefit of editors through the publication of his first six books, and that gives him a huge edge to probably make a big go of this experiment. 

Anyone who reads my workshop pages here will know that I always emphasize believing in yourself because it’s crucial.  BUT you have to also face facts.  Believing in yourself takes you down the path to publication, and unless you self-publish, it also leads you through a lot of lessons learned from a lot of editors.  Even if you self publish and have editorial help, you’re still learning.

Editors are your best teachers.  They are.  But only if they’re good, experienced editors.  A bad editor, like a bad agent, is worse than no editor at all, because they will tell you things that aren’t true, you will believe them, and mistakes will be ingrained in your writing, which makes it twice as hard since you have to unlearn the bad stuff to learn the good stuff.

There’s a lot to editing.  There’s line editing and there’s content editing.  They’re two different things.  What most of us learn in most critique groups, if we’re lucky enough to have one, is line editing, and that’s partly because there isn’t time to do both line and content editing in crit meetings. Even if there was enough time, they’re two entirely different things.

Line editing is spelling, grammar, multiple instances of the same word in the same paragraph, spotting the wrong word usage (there/their) (your/you’re).  It’s watching for quote marks and paragraph spacing and keeping your chapters numbered right. It’s all that and way, way more. You can generally learn a lot about line editing in crit groups IF you have someone experienced enough to teach you. 

But then there’s content editing, and this can only be done right by someone with a lot of knowledge and experience.  Content editing is knowing how (and why) you should move a paragraph or scene or even a whole chapter to a different location.  It’s being aware that somebody has blue eyes in Chapter One and green eyes in Chapter Fifteen.  It’s knowing that what you said in Chapter Six isn’t jibing with what you said in Chapter Seventeen.  It’s remembering all the details that you have to remember because you can count on the fact that some reader will, and will let you know about it.  It’s knowing how to end a chapter with an aha! moment and how to find that moment.  It’s way more than all that.  It has a lot, combined with pure luck, to do with whether your book will be a runaway success or an also ran, because it’s always, always the icing on the cake, that extra lovin’ care that only someone with a lot of experience (and a good memory) can give you.

Now here’s the part that will probably get me a lot of hate mail but I have to say it anyhow because it’s true.  You don’t always get good content editing except (hopefully) with major publishers, and nowadays, it mostly happens with big, big books that the publisher is going to get behind because the advance was large and they want to recoup that advance money.  They’re willing to go the extra mile and spend a LOT of money on it and so they pay more attention to the small stuff that gets left to chance in too many other cases.

All this is why Jason Pinter said what he said.  It’s not that he’s trying to stifle the competition.  It’s because newbies, if you’re reading this, he knows how hard it is to get a whole book right, and most of the time, with rare exceptions, with a first book it’s almost never right at the git-go–not because you’re not a good writer, but because there are things you’d never dream you have to remember to do, as well as learn to do in the first place.

The upshot of all this is, if you’re a first time writer and you want to put your book on Kindle, please do yourself a huge favor and have it edited by an expert.  Not your kid who majored in English in college.  Not your best friend who works as a secretary.  They may know grammar but they won’t know how to put a book together.  If you’re not going to go the long route and work your way up through the ranks and learn as you go from your editors, then hire one.  Believe it or not, a lot of writers have their book edited by someone else anyhow.  If you’re getting a lot of rejections, an editor might be all you need to point out all the pesky little things that you need to watch.

Whatever you do, most successful authors today will tell you to give yourself a chance to be the best you can be.  If you don’t have some good editorial help, no matter who you publish with, you’re not giving yourself that chance. 

That’s all Jason meant.  It’s all I mean.  It’s all meant more with love of other authors than anything else.  It’s just because we know how hard it is under any circumstances, but if it’s worth doing, it’s worth learning how to do it right.

Comments?  Questions?  Lay it on me.

Hugs, see y’all next week.
B.A.
(That’s me, Beth Anderson.  But you knew that, right?)

And oh, I almost forgot.  DanaliDawg and Sarge and BooBoo all say “Hey!”

>>>A provision buried deep inside the $787 billion economic stimulus bill would impose restrictions on executive bonuses at financial institutions that are much tougher than those proposed 10 days ago by the Treasury Department.

The provision, inserted by Senate Democrats over the objections of the Obama administration, is aimed at companies that have received financial bailout funds. It would prohibit cash bonuses and almost all other incentive compensation for the five most senior officers and the 20 highest-paid executives at large companies that receive money under the Treasury’s Troubled Asset Relief Program, or TARP.

The stimulus package was approved by the House on Friday, then by the Senate in the late evening.

The pay restrictions resemble those that the Treasury Department announced this month, but are likely to ensnare more executives at many more companies and also to cut more deeply into the bonuses that often account for the bulk of annual pay.

The restriction with the most bite would bar top executives from receiving bonuses exceeding one-third of their annual pay. Any bonus would have to be in the form of long-term incentives, like restricted stock, which could not be cashed out until the TARP money was repaid in full.<<<

Well, DANGITALL!  Now I’ll have to pare down my personal list of bankers I’d like to snare for a quiet little trip to Vegas in one of their own personal private jets, staying in a luxury suite at one of the big casinos (I really love WYNN and BELLAGIO) and playing with an everyday ten, twenty thousand or so of the Banker Du Jour’s private stash!

Sniff, sniff.  Pardon me for a minute while I grab a tissue, my tears are dripping all over my new faux leopardskin and ostrich feather bustier.

Okay, I’m back.  I’m serious, this is going to cut into my fun somethng terrible.  No more bankers’ top secret bonuses to have my way with.  No more hops around the world on those cute little $60 million dollar jets. No more gourmet dinners prepared in penthouse suites by Emeril or Bobby Flay.  (That’s really a bad break, Bobby’s awfully cute but now I’ll have to slash HIM from my list too, since I won’t be seeing him quite as often due to this recession.  How inconvenient is THAT, I ask you?)

To make things even worse, no more dinners at Stratta, where I always try to coordinate my outfit with their decor, red and gold and white and tastefully gentle brown.  Once I even coordinated my clothes with one of Stratta’s  individual pizzas, quite an undertaking considering all the different colored things on it, but hey, I wowed Count Babalallapaloozo anyhow.

Oh, yes, he’s still around.   Count Babalallapaloozo owns a bank.  You didn’t know that, did you?  I bet you thought he was one of those multimillionaires who sits around on his yacht thinking up ways to part you from your money and hide it in his Swiss bank account, didn’t you?  Well, you’re right, he IS!  He owns his own BANK!  Right here in the USA!

I don’t know how much longer he’ll be around though.  I heard through the grapevine he’s being investigated.  Sigh.  Isn’t that just my luck.  Find a live one with money and he winds up in Leavenworth, although I hear that’s called The Country Club where so many government-inspired bad boys go, so it ca’t be all that bad, can it?

They’d better be building another wing, from the looks of things.

Remind me to check out eHarmony.com.  They must have some millionaires on their list, right?

Next week:  THE DAWG!  Yes, Beth and I are going to tell you about Our New Addition.   Come back, ya hear me, and don’t forget, we love y’all, yes we do, even if we have been AOL for a while.  Okay, quite a while. 

Love,Hotclue Herself, In Person and Unattached.

Hotclue: Welcome to my little home away from home, Gabrina. Tell us a little about yourself and your family.

Gabrina: I’m so glad you invited me over! Hotclue, I just love what you did with the place–it’s much more organized than my real and/or virtual home! Well, if you want to know about me I’m fairly regular other than my unnatural obsession with independent league baseball and my love of dogs. In fact, I have a pointer/hound attempting to lick my wet hair right now since he’s got some sort of weird shower fresh fetish. (Yes, I will shower again to get the dog saliva off.)

H: I hear you have a sideline rescuing dogs and cats. What got you started doing that? What’s it like at home when you rescue a whole passel of dogs or cats? About how long, on average, does it take for you to find them homes? Have you ever not been able to find a home for any of them?

G: I got started in rescue after seeing a listing for 8-week-old lab puppies being put to sleep. I drove a total of seven hours to pick up the puppies, an adult male lab, and a beagle/basset hound mix. People don’t realize why they need to have their pets spayed or neutered until they see for themselves a wiggly little puppy who will be put to sleep. Rather than just tell others they should do something about it, I do transport runs and volunteer my time at adoption events every week. It’s an incredibly satisfying but often frustrating experience. There really isn’t an average time for adoptions. Sometimes a dog you’d never expect to go gets adopted when you walk in the door. The pointer/hound I mentioned has been adopted and returned three times now. He’s a very laid back and curious guy, but he’s been adopted by people who just didn’t meet his criteria. I’ve had him for eight months now; he’ll either find his forever home or live with me forever. And just in case you want to meet him his name is Fieryo from the book and musical Wicked.

H: Tell us about your writing time. How do you manage that, with a full time job, two sons, a husband and all your animals?

G: You forgot my biggest reason to slack off, which is baseball. I do a lot of writing at night and sometimes early in the morning. Because of my real job I’m often away from home for up to sixty hours in a week, so that doesn’t leave me a lot of time. I do mini outlines while I’m in the car–at red lights and train crossings, and at baseball games when I think of something I want to add or need to do. It’s funny where ideas strike you and what sort of notes you have. Today I found a note I’d left for myself that just said “Snavely. Kitten wax.” That’s all it said, and for those of you wondering what in the hell that means I’ll tell you in April when the book comes out.

H: Is your family supportive of your writing?

G: The better word for it is tolerant. I can’t even tell you how many times on vacation someone would yell for me to turn off that (insert word here) computer. They’re starting to understand it’s a career, especially after all of the stories I’ve sold this year to magazines and to book publishers, so it’s nice to finally have something I absolutely love turn into more than just a crazy hobby or a dream. I think they all know that even though I went to school for a career in the medical field, I should have stayed with writing since it’s where I ended up anyhow.

H: Where do you like to write best?

G: Somewhere close to my foster cat Jack, who either enjoys the soothing sound of typing or the heat from my laptop. I have a microscopic desk in my room which I swear some day I’ll turn into an actual office instead of a partial toy room and canine lounge. I used to write downstairs while sitting on the couch but something about Spongebob doesn’t quite do it for love scenes. Now I’m surrounded by my dogs and foster dogs and the occasional cat that wanders in to see if I’m sleeping yet since my head and pillow are prime real estate.

H: I’ve heard you described by a reporter as a “writing machine”. Do you like to do newspaper interviews? What is your ideal reporter like?

G: You must think you’re interviewing someone important with a question like that! I honestly do much better with interviews when they involve talking about my foster dogs than I do my writing. My ideal reporter is someone who comes up with interesting questions.

H: How do you plan to market your new book, THE COUNTESS OF SUBURBIA?

G: COUNTESS is my first full-length novel at Amber Quill Press. It’s set in Northwest Indiana, where I grew up. As far as I know, other than A CHRISTMAS STORY there aren’t many books about my area. I wanted to do a book set here since I love the people and all the stuff to do. I had a lot of fun adding in landmarks and making up a few places to add variation. All my friends who came to visit from out of town got to take the Countess of Suburbia Tour, which I might turn into a bus tour in a few years. Get your hotels booked now, folks!

H: What was your inspiration for COUNTESS? How long did it take you to write it? How long to sell it?

G: It was actually supposed to be a short story for a contest, but after I finished the first chapter I went back and read it, cracked myself up, and thought this isn’t a story. It’s a beginning to a story. From there it just sort of happened, which really isn’t a fascinating story in and of itself, so let me make something up and I’ll get back to you. It took me about a year to complete from first draft to final draft and then another two years before it sold. It sat at another publisher for quite some time, so I had a lot of confidence in it well before AQP contracted it. (Okay, I thought about it and I’m back. I’ve decided to let my readers guess as to my wild adventures with handsome British photographers, which led to the humorous and sexy romance between Miranda and Garic. I can say no more.)

H: Tell us something about the book itself.

G: It’s funny in parts, sad in others, but most of all I hope readers find it honest and real. Once I started to tell people about the premise, I had lots of women say “Oh! I’d read that! My (husband/boyfriend/fiancé) cheated on me and I would have loved to have bought a billboard to tell him we were through!” There are a lot of women who have gone through divorces and breakups similar to Miranda’s, and I tried to give her as much uncertainty and heart as women in that situation feel. Should she go back to him for the sake of her kids? Is she able to go it alone? There is romance, but it’s also about finding your spirit after you have children and a failed marriage.

H: How would you prepare yourself for a radio or television interview?

G: Lots and lots of Crown Royal, obviously.

H: Does criticism bother you personally?

G: Yeah, for a bit, and then I get over it and figure out how to change what’s wrong or hopefully not make the same mistake twice. My beta reader Jax can tell you how many times I’ve maybe argued just a tad but then gone back and made all the changes she thought needed to be done. I haven’t had any scathing reviews, so either I’m giving them the slip or I’ve done something right.

H: Why do you write?

G: Because I really hate folding laundry and doing dishes, and after a full day of working for a laboratory that serves over twenty hospitals, I just want to sit down and disappear into my own little world. I keep saying I want to take over the world and by creating new people and places, I’m one step closer. Well, in the imaginary sense at least.

H: What’s your favorite genre to read?

G: I’ve read everything this past year from historic romance to suspense thrillers to fantasy. I like character driven stories and a little humor added, especially since at work I devour audio books.

H: When was the very first moment when you realized you were going to be an author? How old were you, where were you, what set it all in motion for you?

G: I’ve pretty much been writing since I was a fetus. My mom laminated my very first book, which I wrote in third grade. When I received a typewriter for Christmas it was sort of like Ralphy in A Christmas Story where it was the only thing I wanted–and luckily I didn’t shoot my eye out. When I really got serious about writing I was in high school. My English teacher, Mrs. Weiss, who sadly lost her fight with cancer, inspired me to become a writer. She used a poem I wrote to summarize “Romeo and Juliet” in classes after I graduated, which was the first time anyone had ever said they thought what I was writing might be worth reading. I’ll never forget her and I thank her for giving me that extra push and a little confidence to do what I wanted to do.

H: Tell us where we can get your books.

G: Most of my books are available at http://www.amberquill.com/AmberHeat/bio_Garza.html with an older release at www.lulu.com/gabrina . You can win free copies of my books at my website if you enter my contests. Each month I have a contest and sometimes I even give away bigger prizes, like gift cards for free gas. Bookmark it because ya never know what I might have going on!

H: Is there ever a time when you just can’t write, no matter how free your time is at the moment? Have you ever had serious writers block? If you did, what did you do about it?

G: Yes, I get very distracted by dogs, email, instant messaging, and porn. Well, okay, not porn. But I have a very busy household and a demanding job, so it’s always a matter of telling myself to go ahead and goof off for thirty minutes, then get to work. Whenever I feel like I just can’t get a chapter done and I have no idea if I can go in the direction I intended, I leave the story alone for a bit and work on something else. Even if it’s only for a few hours it helps clear my mind, focus me on a different, sometimes clearer channel, then I can go back, reread what I’ve got, and figure out why I’m stuck. I’m doing that for the book I’m writing now called ONE LAST KISS. It’s a vampire erotic romance and for the last two weeks I’ve been frozen. Tonight I have an idea where I’m going, which came to me during a baseball game. How exactly blood sucking undead fits into baseball is beyond me, but I’m going to have to dedicate that book to the Railcats!

H: What’s your favorite, the first draft, or the editing to perfect it?

G: First draft. I hate reading, rereading, rereading, read again, change this, read it over, find another mistake, and read it again until I want to bleach my eyes. The first draft, though flawed, is the most fun because it’s new to me and I get to see my characters develop beyond that initial thought of “Hey, wouldn’t it be really cool if…” By the time it gets to galleys I’m usually far enough removed from it where I can go back and enjoy reading it. So I like the beginning and the finished part, the middle is where I cry and moan.

H: How did you prepare to write your first book?

G: You have to prepare? Crap! I need to jot that down. Hold on a second.

H: Tell us about your website and blog and discussion group. What’s the link? Do you do it all yourself?

G: My website is slowly evolving from mass chaos to organized mess, sort of like the universe in general. I’m doing it all myself right now. You can read excerpts, enter my contest, subscribe to my newsletter, or join my bulletin board by logging onto www.gabrina.com . The bulletin board is just for group discussions and general debauchery. I’m gathering an army of literate people to help take over the world. Join! Join right now! I also try to keep my blog updated though when I go back and reread the archived posts it sounds like I’m drunk since one message is “Yay! Book comes out tomorrow!” and then right below it is a message about a dog being put to sleep at a shelter. This coming week I’m going to just type in a bunch of words and see if I get lots of hits to it. It’ll be something like banana splits, hand job, voyeurism, royal crown, i love tanner townsend, and my dog is named doyle just to see what happens. No real message, just key words people might search for.

H: How do you manage two young kids and a husband and a house and pets and a life? Have you had to give up anything you really didn’t want to?

G: I tie up the husband (not in a kinky way, we’ve been married for 9 years and married people don’t do that!), lock the kids in the dog kennels, and write all day long. Before your readers call the cops, I’ll be honest and say I really have no idea how I ever get anything done. I have a very helpful family and they want me to succeed so they do everything they can to help me out with the kids and with taking care of my husband, who is completely helpless, which makes it so easy to just tie him up because he never sees it coming!

H: Do you have any major hobbies? What do you really like to do for entertainment?

G: I used to be a lot of fun and go out to movies, live music, etc. but right now I’m managing my time down to the minute. One day I hope to be fun again. For now I’m just a writer.

H: What bothers you most about the publishing world? What do you think can be done about it?

G: You know it’s just very hard to be a new writer and hope to sell books without spending hours and hours of time promoting. People with day jobs and families I think have it the toughest since you can’t spend all of your time writing or you miss out on family, and if you don’t write you don’t make money, and if you don’t make money, you can’t cut back on your hours at your real job so you can stay home and supposedly spend all day writing. I have to budget my time, which I’m no good at doing. If I have the slightest reason to slack off, I always consider it, which is why I’m often up well past my bedtime writing.

H: What are all of your currently upcoming books, titles, a short description, genre, pub date if you have it.

G: My September 2007 releases are COUNTESS OF SUBURBIA, a contemporary romance set in Northwest Indiana about a suburban mom who tells her cheating she wants a divorce by buying a billboard. (The e-book is already available, the print book will be available any day now at Amber Quill Press and soon at Amazon.com.) My erotic romance for September, ALL WET, is part of a series called CIRCLE OF FRIENDS. It’s a heat level 3, the hottest Amber Heat offers. I love the cover of this one! You can see if for yourself here http://www.amberquill.com/AmberHeat/AllWet.html All three stories in the trilogy are about high school friends who reunite as adults and have a lot more fun than they ever did in class. In October 2007 I have two more erotic romance books coming out, the first an adult fairytale called JAX AND THE GIANT’S BEAN STALK. You can probably guess what it’s about! Later in October I have my first gay erotic romance called TAKE ME OUT. It’s the first in a trilogy of baseball related m/m books and it’s about two independent league players who start out as roommates by accident and discover they have an attraction neither of them can deny. I have more books coming out at Amber Quill Press from December until February of 2008 and throughout the summer of 2008, so keep a look out!

H: In your heart of hearts, where all things secret are kept, what do you expect to be doing in five years? Details, please.

In five years I hope my work schedule eases. I love what I do for a living outside of writing and hope to have a little more time to myself to focus on my career as an author. I don’t know if I’d ever quit my real job since it’s the only time during the day where I’m usually alone in the car and able to either listen to books or just focus on the road, but it’s mentally draining at times (I work for a lab and handle very time sensitive specimens…that’s all you want to know). In the meantime, I’m enjoying my son starting his first year of soccer, the dogs coming in and out of my house, and all the hectic but rewarding aspects that come along with being a writer. It’d be nice in five years if I had an actual office overlooking a nice meadow or wetland but somehow I imagine in five years I’ll still be at my microscopic desk with Jack sitting next to me and hopefully my dogs, who are getting older, still laying around wondering just what in the world is so interesting about that glowing box their mama is always staring into at night.

H: If a budding author asks you for writing advice, what’s the most important thing you’d want to tell her?

G: Check out Beth’s website because she lists all sorts of great tips! I’d also say join a critique group, read everything you possibly can in the genre you want to write because there is nothing worse than hearing someone say they want to write a book about this powerful ring and the most unlikely hero who must destroy it to save the world. That was called “Lord of the Rings” and it’s already been done. Learn what’s out now, what’s been done, and how you thought it worked or didn’t work–and why. Then when you sit down to write, it should make it easier to find where your plot holes are located and when your story is dragging.

H: Is there anything else you’d like to tell us that we haven’t covered?

G: The animal rescuer in me says have your pets altered! No, that cute little kitten is not guaranteed a home because 75% of cats born are put to sleep–so don’t let your animals breed and if you need help, ask a rescue if they can assist in getting your pets fixed low cost. I’d also like to say I’m donating 100% of profits this quarter from SEX BETWEEN STRANGERS to animal rescue, so check it out at www.gabrina.com/books.htm and click the link to buy. You get a book to read, animals get a second chance.

Gabrina, thank you for all the trouble you’ve taken to answer all my questions. It was great having you here and I hope your success in the future is all you dream it will be.

Folks, I have to apologize for my long absence, but life interferes sometimes. Actually, the truth is, I told Beth I was going to spend the summer on Count Babbalallapaloozo’s yacht, and she threw a fit and refused to be here if I wasn’t at least part of the time. She said she wasn’t about to sub for me all summer while I had all the fun. (The witch!) So even though we’ve both been neglecting you shamefully, we love you all, you KNOW we do! I’ll be back next week with, among many other things, a peek at my adventures this past summer. We’ll leave the porch light on for ya and the apple pie (which Beth will bake) will be warm!

Love, Hotclue Herself

A few years ago Beth and I had started writing a book called MURDER ONLINE (you can read the first chapter and reviews on our books page.) We got three chapters written and since we had a completed synopsis, confident thing that I am, I talked Beth into doing the agent search thing. We’d already had three books published by major publishers so we figured we could sell on proposal. We looked at a lot of agents, then picked five names out of Jeff Hermon’s book, completely unaware that the agent, who for some reason sounded most interesting, was John Grisham’s agent (at the time). We sent five queries out and settled in to write the rest of the book while we waited.

Four days later we got a call from this agency, which I won’t name. A lady there with a very nice voice told us that our book sounded lovely and could we send the full, because The Big Agent would like to see it.

Thud!

We explained that we only had the three chapters done, but we knew from experience that we could write and edit a full chapter a week, so it would be several weeks. The nice lady said to hurry up and finish it, the market was hot for this kind of book, so get it to them as soon as possible.

At the time, Beth still had a full time job. Out of necessity, you understand, she has to be here when I’m writing my parts. But she told the lady they’d have it in their hands within a couple of months.

During this time, Beth mentioned the agent’s name to a couple of writer friends and they said, “My God, that’s John Grisham’s agent, didn’t you know that?”

Thud!

No, we didn’t. But now that we did, fame and fortune was On The Way!

You never saw anyone write so much so fast. Every evening and all day on weekends we plowed on, daydreaming, when we had the chance, about walking down the Trump Towers stairway toward all the adoring fans waiting on the main floor with champagne, toasting us as we glided, not walked actually, in our shimmering gold gown cut up to HERE and down to THERE, while heading straight for the draped podium where our Pulitzer was waiting.

(Trump Towers IS where they hand them out, right? Well maybe not, but for us maybe they would. Never hurts to ask.)

We finally finished the book. It took us about three months, but finally, off it went.

Meantime, we were, well, at least in our minds, hobnobbing with The Greats. Talk about an ego trip! I think it was about then that one of our writers’ club members handed us a pair of torn thongs at one of our meetings and said, “This is JUST to remind you that WE knew you when you had HOLES in your pants.”

Thud!

The irony was, we were sitting there with holes in our (cotton) pants anyhow. Just wearin’ ‘em out until we could afford our new satin Victorias Secrets.

Well, that comment did puncture our shimmering gold balloon just a little…

Now you understand, by this time we had developed, we thought, a good relationship with The Big Agent’s office staff. We had, while we were writing, kept them updated on our progress. We were friends. Good friends. Drinkin’ Buddies. Our children would meet and marry. We would all vacation together. That kind of friends, you know what I mean.

(That’s always a mistake. But I make those all the time, nothing new there.)

Late one afternoon we heard a thud! at the door. We knew what it was before we hit the living room (we’d heard it before) (we still hear it) and opened the door. But just for kicks, since even in our idiotically blind state we knew a returned manuscript isn’t a good sign, we figured we’d open it anyway. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say. Although wasn’t it Ben Franklin who said it first? Anyone know?

Anyhow, there was no note. No nothing. Just the manuscript.

We called the agency to find out what happened. Now, we’re not sure of the exact sequence here, but we were told that the agent, who was living in Florida, had died, so someone down there had sent the manuscript back. Without a damn rejection letter. I mean, it’s a simple thing, isn’t it? “We cannot represent this book because the agent just died.” Or, God forbid, “We can’t represent this book because it ______ . (You fill in the blanks.)

We have to figure our manuscript killed him. We take full credit. Makes sense to us. At least, to me.

Right about that time we heard that John Grisham had left that agency. THEN, and ONLY THEN, his career REALLY took off bigtime. And he owes it all to me. Because my book killed his old agent and the new one did everything right.

Well, using Hotclue logic, he does owe it all to me, doesn’t he? After all, if it hadn’t been for me (us)….

But hey, don’t tell him. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He thinks he did it all by himself.

So that’s our story and we’re stickin’ to it. Thanks so much for stopping by, y’all! Come back again soon. You never know what you’ll find here. We love you all, you KNOW we do!

Cheers, Hots and Beth. Sarge says tell y’all hey, and she’s getting anxious to shoot a few more commercial Furballs your way.