June 9, 2007

Where Has Hotclue Been Since Last Weekend?

Pulling my hair out, that’s where, ever since Beth’s original Micron eight-year-old keyboard died a probably long overdue death while I was typing an email to Count Babbalallapaloozo about six weeks ago, when all this started:

B, Shrieking: HOTS, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

H, Dumfounded: I don’t know, this thing screamed and then quit working. Can’t you fix it?

B: Probably not, but I’ll try. Move over.

I move over and Beth, the family’s unofficial computer guru, checks everything, finally gives up, goes to Best Buy to buy a new keyboard. Now mind you, this is only three weeks after she had to replace our mouse, which had been misbehaving worse than I ever thought of doing. The new mouse was wonderful. Plugged it into the USB, it installed itself, no problem. Nice job. We had a working mouse.

But when it came to replacing our keyboard, she couldn’t find anything that wasn’t cordless. Cords, she was told, have virtually disappeared (like Carl Rove’s emails?). She wasn’t sure that was true, about keyboards with cords and normal plugs (she knows Rove’s missing emails aren’t missing), but she was in a hurry so she bought the cordless, which came with its own cordless mouse. Now mind you, we still HAD a brand new mouse, so she easily installed the program with its disk, plugged in the keyboard and the NEW, new mouse, and it all installed itself just fine. But the OLD new mouse that we already HAD, which had worked just fine, was no more, at least not on our computer.

The real trouble began soon after that. The cordless keyboard was dicey and so was the mouse. Finally, the control thing just gave up the ghost and refused to work. Dead as a doornail, even with new batteries. Kaput. Bought the farm. Whatever. Clearly, we had a bad keyboard and mouse set.

B: I give up, Hots. You take all this crap and go return it and buy a new one. Maybe you’ll have better luck.

H: It’s hot outside. I just did my toenails. I don’t have a bra on.

B: I don’t care. It’s your turn. Go.

H: You want me to return this for credit and buy a new one, right?

B: That’s what I said.

So I go to Best Buy, return the dead keyboard and mouse, give them their installation disk back inside of the plastic holder we’d put it in, leave the new batteries we’d just installed in it. No problem. It’s still under warranty. Best Buy is really good about that. We get full credit. So far things are lookin’ good.

But wait.

I pick out a new keyboard and mouse set, this time one that costs roughly twenty five bucks more. The way I look at it, I’m buying a whole new set, a nicer one on top of that, for only twenty-five bucks. I just got a full sixty-nine buck credit on our credit card, so counting that, this one actually only cost us twenty-five bucks. Right?

I take the new set home. Open the box. Look at everything, read all the instructions. Start to install it.

Only problem is, I had returned the keyboard and mouse, not that it would have helped us any because it was dead anyhow.

Guess what! There is NO way to install the software, which you have to install first, before you can plug in the new stuff.

I haul out the old new mouse. Plug it in. No dice. The software for the new keyboard and mouse we just returned to Best Buy has uninstalled the old one.

Beth’s sitting there staring at the monitor, which is still on. I’m staring at her. Neither one of us knows what the hell to do.

Before I go any further wiith this little Mini-Saga of Desperate Housewives turned Authors, I have a question for Microsoft, who first masterminded Plug N Play, which worked just fine, only to replace it with cordless, where you have to first install the disk whether you can or not:

Does anyone at Microsoft seriously think that ordinary people think, hey, I think I’ll go buy a new keyboard and mouse, and install it just for the hell of it, because I’m bored? Doesn’t it occur to anyone there that when most people buy new sets like that, it’s because the one they already have doesn’t work any longer?

Apparently not. Microsoft, you’re doin’ a great job. I’m gonna have Bush order your Medal of Honor.

SO I call Best Buy and ask for the Geek Squad desk, ask them what to do. They tell me to call the main Geek Squad number so I can have them come out and install it for me since they have stuff to do that in their cute little cars. OR I can bring it in and they’ll do it there.

Problem with that is, though, the computer itself is so heavy only a Samaurai Warrior could carry it anywhere, so that ain’t gonna work. Not in this life.

(And to add to my woes, I just now, while I was typing this, remembered the water and tea bags I had put on to boil so I could make iced tea. I went in the kitchen just now and found all eight teabags AND the pot I was using burned beyond recognition. Beth is gonna KILL me when she finds out about that, because it was her favorite pan. But it’s definitely toast. It even smells like toast. The teabags have segued INTO the pan and are now part of it.

This would never have happened if I’d stuck to making a pitcher of martinis, which was my first thought.)

Okay. Back to my previous tale of woe. Clearly, I need Geek Squad. Or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Since I don’t know any reasonable facsimilies thereof and Beth is furious at me and insists I handle the whole thing, which is always a mistake, I call Geek Squad.

This adorable guy in this adorable Volkswagon comes the next day, does his magic, and lo and behold, a hundred fifty eight dollars and about forty or so minutes later, our new keyboard and mouse are installed.

Works fine now. (Thank God for credit cards.) But I have a question.

When this keyboard gives up, which it will eventually, do I have to go through all this all over again?

Apparently so. Geek Squad, rejoice!

What IS Microsoft THINKING?

Any of you ever have that same problem? What do you do, other than call Geek Squad? Not that I have anything against them, the guy was cute as hell, efficient, adorable and he did a great job, he really did. I’d use them again in a minute. My only complaint is, now with cordless, every keyboard and mouse I ever buy again will cost me oh, let’s see, what’s 89 or so plus 158, probably more with inflation? I don’t know, I can’t find our calculator.

This is almost like my quandry a while back: Were we REALLY going to pay ChemLawn to make our grass grow, then pay lawn dudes to cut it?

I guess we are, since we did.

Only in America. It’s no wonder Europeans think we’re so dumb.

Or maybe it’s just me…

The real kicker in all this is, we both hate the keyboard. You think you’ve seen typos before? This thing slips so much that a lot of the letters repeat over and over. But if you think I’m buying a new one anytiiiiiime soon, that ain’t happppppppening.

We’ll both just have to learn typing all over again.

But I am gonna ask Count Babbalallapaloozo to buy Microsoft so he can make someone fix this whole Catch 22.

Oh, and one more thing. PARIS HILTON, stop. Just stop.

Ciao for now, my darlings! Please come back and see me again next week. I should have a lovely new teapot bubbling on the stove by that time. I’ll even make brownies.

Love,
Hotclue Herself