May 5, 2007


I sit on Beth’s lap a lot when she’s watching television and I swear, if she didn’t turn the sound off on some of those commercials I’d have to hurl some really nasty FURBALL(S) at the TV. I’ve been saving them up though, for a couple of ads that REALLY get my fur flying.

To be fair, I’ll also tell you about one that makes me laugh (well, sort of) and curl my tail around Beth’s leg, which is a major compliment and shows my undying devotion–until the next leg comes along, anyway. I’ll call the good one my TAIL CURL, the highest honor I can ever bestow on anyone. I especially love to give tail curls to people who don’t like cats.

My first FURBALL is for the ad that has annoyed just about everyone in the US for months now, and wouldn’t you know it, those sneaky, clever, sadistic advertising mavens decided to follow up the first ones with commercials talking about how bad the first ones were. Yeah, you know the one I’m talking about. Head-On.

How can it be possible that the ads they’re running now are AT LEAST as annoying as the first ads WHILE they’re bashing the first ads? Now they’re twice as obnoxious! Beth, who does all the shopping while Hots runs around all over the world having fun, swears she’ll never buy the first one JUST because of those ads.

She better not. I’m saving some of my most lethal furballs for whoever brings it in the house first, and I’m working on perfecting my aim.

So Head-On gets my first FURBALL this month.

The second FURBALL is for an ad that gets ALL our blood boiling because their supposed logic, their whole reason why we should buy this product, is just flat out dumb.

Well, it IS!

Now catch this: We have Sally Fields, our own Flying Nun, who has always been loved in America and probably everywhere else. Those ads she’s been doing are JUST RIDICULOUS! Not because of anything she can help, the ad people put her up to it, I just know they did. My Sally fields would never do this on her own.

First place, she’s really a beautiful, intelligent woman. THEY put her in this dreggy outfit that looks like something even I wouldn’t drag in, then they leave her hair hanging in strings so she looks even more dreggy no matter what she’s wearing. THEN they have her wearing NO makeup at all while she’s sniffing hothouse tomatoes in a grocery store as though they were Tom Cruise’s unblemished armpit. THEN to add insult to injury, they have her saying, “My girlfriend told me she has to set aside time four times a month to take her pill, but I only have to take one Boniva.”

How CAN her girlfriend BEAR it?

Now. Let me see if I’ve got this right. It takes, what, five seconds to swallow a pill? Although to be honest, when Beth gives ME a pill it takes at least an hour for her to find me first, then another hour and a whole lot of carnage to the surrounding area to even get me to swallow it. But I digress.

FIVE SECONDS, and Sally’s friend has to SET ASIDE THE TIME to swallow FOUR PILLS a MONTH? WTF??? (Don’t tell Beth I said WTF or I won’t get any treats for a month.)

Please. Gimme a break. Those ad sharks are making women look stupid and lazy. Hey, I’m a woman too. Well, kind of, and I totally resent an ad like that.

Ladies, it only takes FIVE SECONDS! Why would ANYONE have to actually ‘set aside’ FIVE SECONDS to take a damn PILL? (Don’t tell Beth I said ‘damn’ either, although that’s only good for a one-week ban on treats.)

Anyhow, I just figured it all out mathematically on Hotclue’s calculator, which I saw her using one day to add up the value of all those handmade Italian shoes Count Babbalallapaloozo buys her.

If you take one pill a week for fifty-two weeks, how many seconds is that? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s two hundred sixty seconds, or FOUR-POINT-THIRTY-THREE minutes a year. Four and one third lousy minutes A YEAR!

Luckily, Sally Fields only has to spend one minute a year total to take her Boniva. That would be five seconds times one every month for 12 months.

What I’m bitching about is, we’re supposed to swallow the fairy tale the ad mavens come up with, that four point thirty-three minutes a year is far, far too much time for anyone to have to spend taking a pill.

Well, I’m not swallowing THAT!


For that dumb ad, I’m coughing up TWO Furballs.

So there, Boniva! You may have the world’s best pill, but you’ve got the world’s most unrealistic ad. And it’s not Sally Fields’ fault, so don’t try blaming it on her!

Now for my TAIL CURL, my highest honor, for the ad I really love. The ad that makes me stretch and smile and lick my paws every time I see it.

Have you seen it? Comcast’s ad with the two turtles? The Slowskis. OMIGOD it’s hilarious! It makes all of us laugh every time we see it, and we watch every second of it. The turtles, in case you haven’t seen it, are husband and wife, and in almost every ad, one of them says something suggestive about the other. They’re SO ADORABLE! I’m tellin’ ya, if we didn’t already owe our souls to that Company Store, we’d run out and buy everything Comcast sells because of those funny ads.

Actually, now that I think about it, we did.

So, a HUGE, HUGE TAIL CURL to Comcast for their sexy Slowski turtle ads.

See? I can be nice. I don’t complain about everything, do I!

In case you haven’t figured it out, I’m Beth and Hotclue’s girl cat, Sarge. They named me Sarge because I have stripes on my arms. But I’m the most ass-kickin’, boot stompin’ cat you’ve ever seen. If you don’t believe me, check out my photo, which they took the first week I was here while I was terrorizing their male cat, Beemer. Beemer’s the big black one. I’m the teeny brown streak you see holding him down while he was trying to get away.


Hey, GLAD to meet ya! Come back again often, ’cause you never know when I’ll be coughing up another FURBALL.

WE love y’all, you KNOW we do!
Sarge The Terrible, Beth Anderson, and Hotclue

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4 Responses | | Comments Feed

  1. Furballs, shmurballs. You should try some of those Head-on things, Sarge. They’re great. Especially when some bossy cat smacks you upside the head.

    My humans don’t let me watch whatever channel the Sally Field ad is on, so I’ll just say she was great as Gidget, and that time she played the runaway bride in Smokey and the Bandit, whoo doggies.

    Finally, I’ll give a Tails-up to the Slowski’s, funny shit (er, don’t tell Barb and Chris I said “shit”).

    High Paws,


  2. Hey, it’s not only MY first ever letter from a dog, it’s the first ever on this website! Never knew you were so talented, Danali. Or did you have your mom type that for you? 😉 Either way, come back and see us soon. I’m getting bored with terrorizing Beemer.
    Love, Sarge

  3. Please, Sarge. Sally Field did that stupid movie about a mother getting even with the rapist who kills her oldest daughter. Keifer ‘Jack Bauer’ Sutherland was the bad guy and I KNOW he wishes he could burn that movie!! I’ve seen Sally’s ad and honestly I fall asleep every time it’s on.

  4. Yeah, it’s hell outgrowing the flying Nun series, isn’t it. 😉 As for falling asleep, you just proved my point. It’s a dumb, boring ad.

    Thanks for writing! Come back again, one of us usually posts regularly.

    Love, Sarge The Terrible







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