December 11, 2006

Oh, Yeah, Baby! Hotclue Cooks! (NOT)

So here’s the deal. I thought I’d make some chocolate chip cookies and fudge for Count Babbalallapaloozo to thank him for the trip to Barbados last week, where I had my first wind-surfing lesson and sailed through them with not too many mishaps. Oh, I’m sure the snack bar on the beach will be just fine once they get the roof repairs finished, and truthfully, they needed a new dock anyhow. That’s a good thing, right? A new dock? AND a new roof?

Anyhow, it’s the Holiday Season, so as usual, I get this wild hair up my…well, I do like to at least TRY to bake something during this lovely season, so first I headed for Sam’s, where they have the most delectable chocolate chip cookie mix in the world, figuring why mess with success. All you have to do is scoop it out and plop it on a cookie sheet, right? The directions say so anyhow.

So I scooped and plopped and shoved the whole thing into the oven, never dreaming that the cookie mix would…well…put it this way. This morning I learned how to make chocolate chip bars. That is, I would if you could cut it after it was baked, which took way more than any fifteen minutes like the directions said. I guess they meant for those little cookies, which I thought I was making.

Well, I made bars. Or rather, one great big huge bar that rose and spread and coughed and carried on and dripped in the oven, a conglomeration that only a sledgehammer could get through. Another Hotclue cooking experiment gone awry.

So I set that aside to deal with later and thought, well, okay, I’ll make the fudge now. The No-Fail Fudge they promised in the recipe. ANYBODY can make fudge. The recipe said so.

Well, not anybody. I’ve tried to make fudge before and have always wound up with something only your mother (or someone sleeping with you) could love, usually either something you need an industrial size jackhammer to plow through, or something you have to sip with a very large straw. But THIS recipe said NO Fail!

I did everything the recipe said. Every. Thing. I even did the soft ball in the cold water thing. Stirred and cooked and cooked and stirred and tested and stirred and wiped off the walls (the kitchen will only take a month or so to clean). I poured it out into a buttered pan and set it to harden just like they said, after I sprinkled festive tiny little red and green candy Christmas trees on top.

See, here’s the deal. The reason I decided on fudge in the first place was, I went into a baking supply shop a few weeks ago and they had these adorable little white and red and green paper candy cups so I bought some, mainly because they were so cute. And fudge, properly cut, would fit nicely into them. My signature dish for Holiday festivities, right?

I knew in my heart of hearts as I poured it into the pan that it was not going to harden. No matter what the recipe said, this fudge poured exactly like the last batch that I made. Or tried to make. It poured fast. Way too fast. Fast like I was going the time I tried to run a marathon and wondered why everybody else was going the wrong way.

I have a question. Why is they tell you to butter the pan when you have to beg and plead and finally scoop it out anyhow?

So here I am, trying to make fudge for The Count, and it’s the right color because he likes milk chocolate fudge, which ticked me off royally because I like dark fudge, dammit! But it is never, ever going to cut into neat little squares which I can slide neatly out and put, decorated side up, into those cute little paper cups.

I’m doomed.

Or–wait! I wonder if The Count likes Hot Fudge Sundaes?

I hope you’re having better luck than I’m having right about now. Here’s wishing you all successful fudge making and cookie making and whatever else you’re making. God love ya.

And hey, By the way, I have a very nice little Christmas Eve 2006 Word Picture thingie I’m going to put up here for y’all on the 15th, so come back, ya hear me? You have to, because I can’t make fudge but I do love y’all, you KNOW I do!

Hotclue the Hapless

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6 Responses | | Comments Feed

  1. ROTFL Lady, and do I ever sympathize with you. One year I made fudge that I couldn’t even FREEZE. And the guy I was sleeping with could only laugh. Not a merry Christmas that year.

    Hell, Hots, get the Count to buy you a bakery. That way the head baker will be responsible!

  2. Omigod! Sloane, you’re a GENIUS! I never once thought of having him buy me a bakery. I hope a good manager and accountant comes with it…(and a few unobtrusively large diamonds for my collection).

    Love ya,

  3. I kinda think “Hotclue Happens” is a better title. Kinda like sh…well, you know…

  4. Yeah, I know, and I LOVE your title. I’ll be sure to use it sometime soon, because it’s true. Hotclue Happens. 😉

    Update on the fudge: I did get it to finally be hard enough to cut in squares and put some in the damn paper cups. Looks really cute. Most of it’s in the freezer though. I don’t dare let it sit out too long, LOL!

    Love, Hotclue Herself, Who Often Does Happen.

  5. My fudge never goes wrong. I buy it and rewrap it. Works every time. ROFL. One year when JGirl was little, I had the bright, stupid idea for us to make holiday cookies together – from scratch. Then I found the Pillsbury ones with trees and stuff on them.

  6. Yeah, Beth has done the cookie with the kids thing. Me, I’m not into that. I’d rather go downtown and shop in all the nice stores. Or have lunch high above Chicago, watching the incredible Lake Michigan when it’s freezing one whitecap at a time. Or, barring that, a little trip to Maui…now there’s an idea. Count, oh Count! Where are you?

    Hugs, Hots, who is going to buy the next batch of fudge that appears in this house, for sure. Still can’t get over it. NO FAIL recipe, and I managed to screw it up anyhow…







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