September 24, 2006

Hotclue Battles Beth Anderson Over Kinky Friedman and The Texas Governor’s Mansion

Okay, Hotclue here. I saw Kinky on The Imus Show the other morning. In fact, since I knew he was going to be on, I set my internal clock to be up, have a cup of coffee ready, and be sitting in front of the television at five a.m. so I wouldn’t miss a single word. Not that I thought Kinky would actually be there that early, but as they used to say, the early bird gets the worm. Not that I think Kinky is a worm, or has one, at least not….oh, you know what I mean. Anyhow, I was there when they first showed him sitting on the stairs waiting for his turn and when I saw that I knew it was true love, because that’s exactly what I would have done. Sat on the stairs. Just like everyday common folks, right? Well, I was waiting, watching his adorable, handsome, cute, sexy self on those stairs…

Everything was going just fine and then Beth came in and the War started.

Beth: Why are you sitting on the floor, Hots?

Me: If it’s good enough for Kinky, it’s good enough for me.

Beth: Don’t tell me, let me guess. Kinky Friedman’s on Imus again.

Me: Yes. Sigh…

Beth: And I suppose you’re going to blog about him again?

Me: Yes. Sigh….

Beth: You know you’re going to piss off Count Babalallapaloozo again, don’t you?

Me: Yes. Sigh… Move over, there he is, sitting on the stairs! Isn’t he totally faboo?

Beth: Uh…that’s not exactly a word I’d choose to describe him, Hots.

Me: You’re just jealous because he’s going to be my next husband.

Beth: In that case, idiot, he’ll have to be mine too. Or have you forgotten that little point?

Me: Then you get to help me decorate the mansion after he’s elected.

Beth: *eyebrows raising* Oh, there’s an honor and a half. Thanks loads.

Me: Well look, I was thinking, how about a huge bearskin rug right in front of the sunken fireplace in the living room?

Beth: No way. You’ll alienate half of his constituency, Hots. At least the Animal Rights people. And probably him, too. He loves animals, you know.

Me: I know, isn’t he wonderful! Wait–I’ll what half of his what? I can’t have bearskin?

Beth: Nope. No leopardskin either. No animal skins at all, anywhere. Ever.

Me: *pouting* Not even in our private bedroom?

Beth: Have you forgotten, Hots, the man is going full bore into politics. There is no such thing as privacy, even in the bedroom. Trust me.

Me: Okay, okay, it’s still worth it. I’ve got it all figured out. I think all white ceilings–

Beth: Wait, wait, slow down. What about his cigars?

Me: Whatta ya mean?

Beth: Think, Hots. White ceilings. Cigar smoke.

Me: Oh. Well, we could have those fans installed in all the ceilings, you know, those ones like they have on The Emeril Show? He just claps, they open up, the smoke goes out the ceiling. See, I have it all worked out. I know what I’m doing.

Beth: I hope you know how to clap hard and fast. I can’t imagine him doing it. Hots, the guy’s a Texan, he’s a macho man. He’s not going to stand around clapping so the ceiling will open up.

Me: WELL, he’s a macho man who wants to build casinos so the schools can have more money, don’t forget.

Beth: I hope he doesn’t let Texas do it like Illinois did it.

Me: What’d Illinois do?

Beth: Built casinos so the schools would have more money. The minute the tax money started to come in, they redirected the same amount out of the school system into other funds. The schools wound up with the exact same budget they had before. Nobody really knows where all the casino money went, actually. It all seems to have dissolved into the same black hole a lot of the Katrina money went into.

Me: Noooooooooo!!!

Beth: Yep. Sorry.

Me: Well, I’ll just tell Kinky not to let that happen. After all, he’s going to be Governor!

Beth: I can see you haven’t been around politics much, Hots. You have to jump through a lot of hoops when you’re in politics. You don’t always get your way.

Me: Oh, he will. He’s going to reform politics in Texas. And besides that, he’s cute.

Beth: Hots. Forget the cute stuff. Kinky is never going to give you a second look.

Me: That’s what you think, maybe!

Beth: Hots. The man is going to be governor of our biggest state.

Me: Well, at least you admit that.

Beth: Of course I admit it. That doesn’t mean you’d make the ideal governor’s wife.

Me: *getting huffy* And why wouldn’t I?

Beth: Hots. Look at yourself. I don’t know where you ever managed to find a tiger-striped bustier with pink feathers to match those God-awful spike heel slippers you bought a week or so ago, but I can’t imagine you running around the Governor’s Mansion like that.

Me: *flouncing out of the living room* I’ve got news for you, Big Mouth Beth. I’m never leaving the bedroom, so there!

Beth: *muttering* And I’ve got news for you, Hots. Kinky’s going to be moving into the Texas White House. But you’re not.

Me, back again. I’m so mad. Beth always, ALWAYS has the last word, even when I leave the room first. Kinkster, don’t worry, sweetie. Hotclue’s waiting for you! Kinky…oh KINK-YYY….

Don’t worry, folks. Kinky’s going to be elected and I’m going to decorate the Governor’s Mansion for him. I just decided. Black ceilings…disco lights…flashing Coca-Cola signs…juke box…

Won’t it be lovely?

Love y’all, you KNOW I do. Come back soon, ya hear me? Maybe next week I’ll let Beth write something rational here because I’ll be in Aspen with The Count, waiting for the snow so I can have my skiing lessons.

(But don’t worry, Kinky. My heart really belongs to you.)

Hotclue Herself *thumbing through the Victorias Secret catalog, planning her inauguration outfit*

Hotclue v/s Beth | Add A Comment  

Leave a Reply

Books

Newsletter

Feeds

Search

Categories

Archives

Copyright © 2006-2018 Beth Anderson. All Rights Reserved.
Web Design and Hosting by Swank Web Design | Powered by Wordpress | Log in