August 26, 2006

how can i make him love me?

Hi, Folks.

Remember seeing the title of this blog on my list of search phrases last week? That one really tugged at my heart because it looked to me as though it were written by someone very, very young. I thought at the time, maybe I can say something to make her feel a little better–although probably not, because when you’re that young, the answer you really want is how to make it happen, not that you can’t.

But hon, whoever you are, if you’re reading this, the fact is, you really can’t, because real love, the kind that lasts over time, is something that happens to two people when they’re least expecting it, and it can’t be rushed or made to happen by using some magic formula. It’s just not possible, because love is the deepest emotion we can give to one another, and it’s too deep to buy or manufacture. It just is what it is. It just happens and zap! There you are.

But when it’s real, it happens to both of you, and both of your lives become better because of it.

People throughout the ages have asked the question, “What is love?” and far be it for me to even pretend to give you exactly the right answer for YOU. I can only give you my opinion and insight, so here we go:

Love is not, first of all, sex. That’s part of it, but not by a long shot is it all of it. However, too many of us, especially when we’re young, think that first burst of sexual attraction, or lust, or whatever you want to call it, is love. But no. It’s not. It’s sexual attraction, pure and simple, which is a perfectly normal reaction for two people to have toward each other. But it’s not love. Not yet.

It takes time for true love to grow. You may think, when you see a face across a crowded room and want to jump his bones right then and there, that you’re in love. But you’ve just stumbled onto the tip of the iceberg.

Sexual attraction may grow into love and it often does–but not all the time, because so many other things enter into this thing called love, and a simple thing like the way he reacts when you’re sick, or not at your best, can either enhance or destroy the whole illusion before it even begins to turn into the kind of love you’re thinking about–the home in the suburbs, the 2.3 children, the dog, the vacations together, the long, uninterrupted nights in bed together before those 2.3 children show up, all those things we all like to think of as true love.

You see, there are two separate personalities that enter into this alliance we call true love, and they both are attracted to different things for reasons that really have nothing to do with either one of you individually. This is because the things that cause us to feel the way we feel at twenty are pretty much determined by the time a child is four or five, and maybe even younger.

His background is different than yours in so many ways, even if you’ve always lived in the same neighborhood. His parents and their expectations are different than yours in many subtle ways. There’s a whole world of difference between the two of you, aside from the more interesting physical ones. And most times, it takes real love to overcome them so you can actually live together over time and still love each other when you’re sixty four, as Paul McCartney put it so well.

Sometimes, if it is real love, working those things out over time can be fun. And sometimes they’re not fun at all, but it’s the not-fun ones you have to work at.

I remember a while back, a friend of mine got married and not one month after the wedding she wanted a divorce, and she wasn’t kidding one little bit. Why?

Two things. He squeezed the toothpaste tube and left it like that, and she always rolled it up. The other one? When she made a bowl of pudding, in her family they always took a knife and cut equal parts for everyone in the family before they served it, and in his family they just dug in whenever they felt like it.

Now that might sound like I’m making light of the whole love thing, but think about it. If you spent your entire life with a family who cut the pudding first, and he spent his whole life with a family that just scooped out what they wanted whenever they wanted it, those things are pretty well ingrained in both of you, and it’s hard to give up what you’ve always done.

Those two simple things caused what I could only call The War of the Roses. They fought it out in epic proportions for almost a month before one gave in. I don’t know who gave in, but one did. She forgot about the divorce and they lived happily ever after, last I heard.

The point I’m making is, someone always has to give in and you have to be prepared for that with this person you want so much he’s on your mind thirty-six hours a day. But if all you have is sexual attraction, you need to understand ahead of time, this wears down after a while, although we always think it won’t. As people far wiser than I have said, there has to be something else to take its place or at least add to it.

Two people meet. One person falls in love. The other person doesn’t. Oh, they may think they’re both in love and get along just fine as long as they’re mainly just having good hot sex. But sooner or later, something else has to take the place of some of that hot sex. That’s the point at which one may realize he or she doesn’t really love the other person, and may not know how to tell them.

But actions speak louder than words. My grandma told me that, and it’s still true today. Someone can tell you they love you, they may tell you that every day and every night, but if they start acting weird, if they’re pulling away, if they’re suddenly too busy, too distant, if you can’t get hold of them, if they’re impatient when they are with you, if nothing you do is right all of a sudden, when it seemed so right before, those are all signs THAT person wasn’t really in love. In which case, there is no true love, even if one of you does still feel it.

And there’s nothing you can do about it except say goodbye, and move on with your life.

Then one day, you’ll meet someone who is right for you, who doesn’t care whether you have makeup on or not, who will bring you chicken soup from the deli when you’re sick, who will go to the ends of the earth for you if need be, and who will never, ever, no matter what, deviate from that.

Then, and only then, you’ll probably have true love, the kind that lasts through parental interference, wrecked cars, sick kids, hurricanes, kids who grow up and for some reason become unruly and troublesome, ballooning house payments, all the negative things that happen to most of us over time, and he will still love you just as much, and probably a lot more than he did at the beginning.

When you find that, you won’t have to ask how you can make him love you, because if it’s right, if it’s good, if it makes a better person of both of you, you will have true love and you’ll know it.

I hope this happens for you soon, but if it doesn’t, please don’t worry, hon. It will.

Auntie Hotclue
See y’all next week, folks. Thanks so much for stopping by. Come again soon, ya hear me?

Hots Herself, who is thinking that anyone who wants to write a romance will probably also get a lot out of what I just wrote, because romances are all about finding true love.

Advice to the Love-Crazed | Add A Comment  


2 Responses | | Comments Feed

  1. Hots, I never realized you have such a deep side. Wonderful post and toooooo true. Personally, I’ve always been in lust with the latest flame of the day. No wonder my marriages were so short lived.

  2. Ah, yes, but now you’ve found Studley, and it happened when you were least expecting it, is this not true?

    Somewhere along the line most of us learn to value basic decency and the will to cooperate in a partner a lot more than we value the way they make us feel in bed. Anybody can make us feel good in bed, but it takes that special someone to allow us to feel good about ourselves.

    To my mind, that’s not settling. It’s finally learning what’s really most important in life. Sex is fine, but there’d better be a whole lot more than that in any relationship.

    Yeah, I have my deep side. I just don’t show it too often. Thanks for stopping by, Sloane! Next time it’s your turn to bring the Chablis, but forget about the foie gras. A couple of pounds of boiled shrimp would be good, though. 😉

    Love, and come back soon, ya hear me?
    Hotclue Herself







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